well, it is here !

" i hate to feel it again, but indeed i do feel it. "

if now i am afraid to feel so, its all because of you. i ever said that i was graduated, but indeed am not graduated yet. when i saw my happy face in the mirror several days ago, i automatically haunted by you and your promise. would it be as hurt as ours ? or maybe more.

Day with(out) You

My father is the most i love. If allowed to be exchanged, I want to swap my whole life to make him live again. But my dad would also say the same thing to God. He always sacrificed everything for me, my life.

Back then, I loved him only through this heart, from now on i'll love through all this life. Every breath, every tear, every smile, every praying and dream which will be come true, i dedicate them for him, instead of the day, that may not be real with me since he had passed.

"I want to die "
Sometimes i really want to do that.

But sometimes i also try to understand, that by my death, my father would never return. But when I'm alive, my father will live on, through the blood flowing in my body, through his praying that would make my dreams come true, through the strength that gives laugh and happiness to the whole of my family.

Flying In The Wind

I were a leaf that is carried by the wind.

I turn around to follow, as if a rope connecting my body with him. Since i followed that "wind" , I was not cautious. Sometimes I fall to the ground bacause of its moving. When i ve been fell, it is moist and difficult to re-fly. Also sometimes I drift into a big tree. Yea, it hurts, like hell. But i ll be fascinated by its beauty and i would still be pleased to fall and get hit. What so ever the risk, the pain, i love to beeing fly in the "wind". I am not blind, I see, I feel how the "wind" gives me that pain and tears. But i just let myself close my eyes, follow the wind.

Is it false ? according to some people, they ll say " No, it is not false. "
Because when the "wind" is coming, it can not be denied. The "wind" would just moving, then we just take off, if we let it, maybe we'll get to a comfortable prairie, feel happy and comfy there. But when the "wind" was barren, this "wind" could also bring us into the desert without water, and difficult to return.
If from a distance you've felt that the "wind" barren or you suddenly see the parched, just leave the "wind", although you have to be waiting for another "wind" to come. Stop at the place where it is comfy enough to beeing a shelter. Better you leave that "wind" before the desert eliminates your chance to return into fresh praire. Believe me, there is so many, many "wind" that you may choose then, that will make you fly with, into a praire.

Dont be afraid, honey :) when you need to take a shelter, use your time wisely to beautify you texture or playing with the other leaves. If you have been flying in the "wind" , you would miss that act.

graduation day

its a brand new day
without bad dreams
no more daily pain
without fake smiles
no more weekly sadness

day without you in my mind

i have been successful to get you away, i ve pass this exam, even maybe get C for the mark.
the most important, i ve graduated.
this is my graduation day. cheers !

Happy new year :D

Hey Guys, this is the 1st post in 2010 ( for the one who followed the Babit's Party must know how deep the meaning of this sentence :p )

This night began with a card game which made me and babit should squat for losing games, all lazy to lose, but we all laughed as long as we could.

Tonight is filled with roasted corn, meat, tempe, and tahu. All tired, but all enjoyed, and felt good.

This night ended with fireworks ( not fireflies indeed, i just knew it yesterday. Thanks for bantya because she allowed me to call the firework as a fireflies, because " fireflies" sounds better in my ears ) that look more beautiful than babit's neighbour's, all exposed of smoke, but all fine and happy.

All of the beautiful there always have consequences, all of thing which should be paid is always beautiful, tthose beautiful things can not just acquired, or it would occure an ordinary sense.

Last year was filled with final exam stress, falling down - roll out because of love, shock due to the change of learning, the end of semester's task, but all covered by you all, Guys.It beautifully closed by something that is also beautiful. Thanks.

Just Fine

sunny day
the sun can not hide
wind dance without thinking long
leaves with a cheerful greeting, and then fell to the ground
loose soil, taking them gently

a day like this
doesnt not deserve to cry about
a bright day like this
doesnt not deserve to be reproached
a peaceful day like this
doesnt deserve to be insulted by continually asking for more without effort

we already have eyes, even could not see the shape of the wind
we still have ears, though unable to hear the sound of leaves falling gently
we still have nose to breathe, though it can not smell the hot sun

everything just, just fine.

Secret Plan

God always keep everything, including life and death. Happy and sad. Trials and blessings. That's all that we continue to pray, try and grateful.
My aunt died today, the memory of her hospitality is still recorded in my mind. She suffered the same disease with my father, and my uncles who had preceded. Last I saw, she was so healthy with gloves and socks. She talked about the organization she led. Later she was frequently called my father, telling how healthy she is. And how healthy her husband who had just recovered from disability. I were happy because of that. I rarely communicate with her because I stutter in Java language, but I really love her as family. I remember how she tried to speak the Indonesian language which she did not mastered, only to say hello. How grateful I am to have her in my side.
Why did God take her so fast? why God did not tell me that she would gone today ? why did God show us that he was going to live any longer?

Because God wanted us to always be aware of what we have. Be grateful, until one day come - come pick them up. Because God wanted to keep it quiet, so we all can laugh till the bad news arrived. Because God wants us to pray at any time, for the happiness that can be lost at any time. Because God wants us to see our image in the glasssee, that we are only human.

Live and be happy, before one or both taken :) do not make God teach you a happiness through a grief.