I miss you, D. I really do.

I miss you, D. I really do.

Selamat ulang tahun, untuk kamu, yang tak pernah benar-benar dekat, dan tak pernah bisa jauh-jauh. Kamu, yang akan terakhir tau aku sedang apa. Aku, yang tidak pernah tau apa yang kamu rasakan. Kita, yang tak pernah lelah menebak-nebak. Kita, yang akan selalu berjarak. Kita, yang tak perlu menunggu dua belas bulan, hanya untuk saling kirim doa.

With love, D.

hey D, i miss you but i dont know how to get back, to you. With love, B.

“I don’t care how hard being together is, nothing is worse than being apart.”

If I stay much longer, I think I will have fallen.

when "chill out" is just a word

"I Won('t) Give Up"

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No: I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

an early training as an auditor : evaluation

when there is a potential miss-statement. a ( good ) auditor need to report it as a fraud when it's material. it's a fraud and it's material. am a good one.

a ( good ) auditor have a responsibility to evaluate the client. it's wrong thus i told as a point of introspection. am a good one.

a ( good ) auditor should not use her personal thingy in a cooperation. am not a good one.

hell o backstabber !

backstabber tells u who's deserved to be called as friend.

Lock

I am a jerk now.

I am too much defending my self.

I love to throw shit to others.

I am talking others in their back.

I am sure as you are, I could just turn them off right now.

But i don't wanna be the same person in days ahead, it sucks when u know the impact to those who became ur victim so far. So i would put a try on it. Other people can just do whatever.

Sesuatu Bernama Rindu

Hal yang terberat dari rindu adalah ketika rindu itu tidak bisa berkurang.

Waktu kecil, aku sangat membencimu karena aku sangat – sangat mengiginkanmu untuk ada disisku. Mengantarku berangkat sekolah, menjemputku sepulang sekolah, dan menemaniku mengerjakan tugasku. Tapi kau, tidak pernah ada, bahkan untuk mengambil rapotku. Orang lain selalu menggantikannya.

Kau pulang ketika aku terlelap dan aku berangkat ketika kau masih terlelap.

Aku benci kau yang selalu datang terlambat ketika ada acara wisata bersama dan selalu pulang terlebih dahulu sebelum acara usai. Aku benci tidak ada yang membelaku ketika aku dimarahi karena berkelahi di rumah, karena kau selalu sibuk entah dimana kala itu.

“ Andai papa bisa, pasti papa kasih semua yang kamu mau “

Andai kau tau, aku tidak menginginkan segalanya kecuali kehadiranmu. Aku selalu mendoakanmu ketika kau pergi jauh, berharap aku bisa melihatmu terlelap lagi di kasurmu. Aku tidak pernah berhenti memastikan mendengar suara nafasmu sebelum aku terlelap, memastikan esok hari aku masih bisa melihat tidurmu sebelum beranjak sekolah.

Aku tumbuh dengan penuh rasa rindu atas kehadiranmu.

“ Papa kadang nyesel, kenapa gak dari dulu ngurusin kamu sama adek “

Aku mendapati kehadiranmu baru di usia belasan tahun, ketika kau mulai sakit karena terlalu kerasnya dunia yang menjaukanmu dariku. Aku bisa mendapatimu sepulang sekolah, meski bukan di rumah, tapi di rumah sakit. Aku bisa pergi sore hari bersamamu, meski bukan untuk jalan - jalan, tapi intuk control. Setelah hari – hari itu, perlahan kau mulai sehat. Aku mendapatkan apa yang aku inginkan, kau sering mengantarkanku sekolah, menjemputku dan menemaniku belajar di ruang televisi, walau dengan volume televisi yang kerasnya bukan main. Kau bisa datang melihat pentas teater perdanaku dan mengambil hasil ujian akhirku. Bahkan kau menjadi orang yang mendengarkan dengan seksama urusan cinta monyetku.

“ Kamu, anak kesayangan Papa. “

Belum lebih dari 4 tahun aku merasakan betapa hebatnya mempunyai seorang ayah di sampingku. Belum banyak makan siang yang kita habiskan bersama. Belum banyak bola – bola kecil yang kita pukul bersama di lapangan. Belum banyak mimpi – mimpi yang kuwujudkan untukmu. Belum banyak yang bisa kau ceritakan tentang aku dengan bangganya kepada teman – temanmu. Belum banyak, waktu tidak memberikan banyak.

Terlepas dari semuanya, inilah hal yang paling kusyukuri dalam hidupku, aku bisa memanggilmu dengan sebutan “ Papa “. Maafkan aku, untuk aku yang lari dari semua kewajibanku setelah kau pergi. Maafkan aku untuk aku yang lebih banyak menangis di kamar daripada mengisi presensi di kelas. Maafkan aku, untuk aku yang berhenti melakukan segala yang aku janjikan padamu karena merasa Tuhan tidak berpihak kepadaku. Maafkan aku untuk aku yang berhenti tumbuh dan menjadi bodoh tanpamu. Aku, akan berhenti mengecewakanmu.

Aku akan beranjak dewasa dengan rasa rindu atas kehadiranmu.

Aku merindukanmu.

Tidak pernah berkurang, sedikitpun.

" Tidak "

Aku benci untuk memulai sesuatu, karena sesuatu yang dimulai, akan selalu ada akhirnya. Seperti apa yang mungkin terjadi pada kita sekarang.

Kau bersikukuh mengatakan bahwa akhir dari semua ini adalah kebetulan, kebetulan saja kau hilang. Mengapa disebut kebetulan, karena menurutmu kata itulah yang melukiskan tidak adanya intervensi manusia atas sebuah perkara.

Tapi menurutku tidak.

Tidak ada yang namanya kebetulan, manusia yang mebuat menbuat kesempatan dari sebuah perkara.

It needs two to tango.

“ Jadi kita mau udahan ? “ tanyaku.

“ Hmm, sebaiknya begitu. “

Pertanyaannya adalah, sebaiknya untuk siapa ? Untukmu ?

“ Well then, we broke up “

Akhirnya kau mendapatkan persetujuan, untuk kebaikanmu sendiri. Kenapa ? karena aku memikirkanmu. Bagaimana jika keadaannya dibalik ? aku mengatakan “ tidak “, apakah kau akan menyetujui untuk kebaikanku ? Tidak akan.

Pernyataan menggambarkan kenyataan. “ Sebaiknya kita udahan “ adalah pernyatan yang kau pilih dari “ Apa yang salah dari hubungan kita ? “ , “ Banyak hal yang harus diperbaiki “, “ Kita butuh waktu lebih untuk mengerti “, “ Kita harus mulai saling introspeksi “ dan berbagai pernyataan lain yang mungkin kau pilih. Menggambarkan keinginan pergi jauh yang sangat besar, hingga menepis fakta bahwa faktor – faktor yang mendorongmu pergi, mugkin saja masih bisa diperbaiki. Bila opsi rasional ini saja tidak terlintas di pikiramu, maka pertimbangan irrasional yang condong untuk kebaikanku adalah sesuatu yang tidak mungkin ada.

One moment of weakness, doesn’t define a character.

Inilah yang kan terjadi ketika kamu memutuskan untuk memulai sesuatu, kamu akan menemukan banyak alasan untuk mengakhirinya. Karena manusia dan dunia berubah setiap harinya, alasan – alasan itu mudah terkikis oleh waktu. Karena kamu juga akan banyak menemukan perbandingan yang lebih di diri orang lain dalam pemenuhan alasan tersebut.

Inilah sebabnya, ketika kau selalu bertanya,

“ Kenapa memilih aku ? “

Aku tidak menemukan jawaban lain selain “ Tidak tau “

Aku tidak pernah tahu kapan dan kenapa perasaan ini bermulai, maka akulah yang tetap ada meski segalanya berubah. Karena aku tidak tau, situasi macam apa yang mebuatku bersamamu, maka aku tidak mengenal situasai apa yang mungkin akan membuatku meninggalkanmu. Yang aku tau, aku hanya ingin bersamamu, tanpa jika, tanpa karena, tanpa tapi, tanpa sejak, dengan selamanya.

Sekarang aku berubah pikiran, aku hanya ingin bersamamu,

Jika,

Karena,

Sejak,

Tapi,

Kau menginginkanku, dengan selamaya.

Kenyataannya ? Tidak.

Anggur

anggur.
semakin lama anggur itu disimpan, semakin enak rasanya.

People Learn, People Change.

i might be the most childish person that this world has. i often did something without any reason ( the only reason which was slipping trough my brain is : i just want to do it >.< ) blah ! i did regret many things because of this shitty character. All the question which arose just after stupid mistake has proceed is " why the hell i did that ? " And what am going to do after that ? simply forgiving my self, as easy as that ! Gosh, than i would always be 5 years old children who was trapped in 17 years, oh no, 20 years old girl's body like forever.

so this is about a careless story on previous month, i was doing one of the silliest thing that i probably ever made in my own life-guinness-record. It's too much silly to be told btw, so sory for skipping the depiction of the act and jumping to the summary of the act. The big point is just i was endangering my life and someone's. I didn't find any urgency besides i-just-want-to-do-it or i-jut-want-to -make-it-as-a-joke when he asked me why i did it. Bam ! It's like am exploding a bomb in front of my own face, suicidal. I was being mocked by this guy like all night long. I was being lectured like i never go to school before. Really, i was totally afraid at that night, he is just so scary, might be as scary as my father. But ya, i was being taught that a simple reasonless action might ruin all of your day, all of your life. Something i never try to understand before, something that i just put it in my ass before.

" How if something bad happen to you because of the act ? "

" I might be crazy, other one might be sad, do you ever think that ?"

" Think before you act "

all of that words, trust me, is still running back and forth in my head. all that word is a recording that would automatically being played before am going to do something now. Yes, calculating. I learn to calculate the risk, that's exactly my new-ongoing-habit.

Why a simple event could change someone ?

i don't know, i just think that day is one of my worst day, i just don't want it happen again.

so worst day teaches us something, huh ?

Hereby i thank to you, for the lesson. To let me know, that i mean something to others, others mean something to me, so be aware of what you did. Don't let your short-time-minded character harm you or any other people. whatever happens to us right here right now, thanks for schooling me about something important, God bless you ;)

" I know i misbehaved and you made your mistake, and we both still get room to grow. " John Legend - Ordinary People.

So Would You Let Me Be ( Away )

" we’ve get along together
i should have known
you’re the best that i can love
till now it’s hard for me to face it
why didn’t we meet each other soon
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/d/dcinnamons/so_would_you_let_me_be.html ]
i left them all behind you, only for you
would you believe me
i put my trust on you
but deep inside i realize
that i can’t, no i can’t "

Ne-am mutat cea mai apropiată persoană care urmează să fie cel mai departe unul de altul, ceea ce se întâmplă în spatele Bo, Te respect ca o persoană care îmi dă de memorie, Mi-e dor ca o persoana care mi-o dă de memorie. Întoarce-te repede la rhtym dvs. şi de a fi fericit.

it's not about the song, neither the lyric. it's about you, the memory of you.

idk

me : dady, could you hear me ?

me : i am sorry

me : i love you

me : happy eid mubarak

me : dady ?

there is no more " i am sorry too, honey " or " i love you too " or " ya, bella ? "

am the one who asking and answering. what so ever, i would always love you. i miss you dady, really.

Time, just be nice.

When we take a peep into those days, so many things remain unsaid

i said that we are going to be okay and time will heal our wound

we know it wont

we preferred to hide something

for that we can’t lie

for that everyone know it’s there indeed

they are keep asking

why don’t we belong to each other?

if only we had much more strength to stand

it would not be so much years with nothing

we wish each other would talk bout many unsaid things

and try to compensate those useless times

but we are just doing nothing

surrendering everything to the time

Well, just let tomorrow think by it self.

( it's actually so yesterday post, it has been in my draft for so long time. all of a sudden i want to share it. )

L * V E MY LIFE

" Tomorrow, am going to eat crispy crab "
" Next week, i would like to go to Rtr meeting with my besties "
" Next month, i wish i could have another trip "
" Next semester, i wish ..................... "

could u hear it, life ?
am trying harder to live u ( again ) . u want to defeat me ? well, just try a little a bit harder.



when life becomes so damn cruel, u have no option but growing stronger.

the right one

" choose the newest one and that is the truth "

well, it is here !

" i hate to feel it again, but indeed i do feel it. "

if now i am afraid to feel so, its all because of you. i ever said that i was graduated, but indeed am not graduated yet. when i saw my happy face in the mirror several days ago, i automatically haunted by you and your promise. would it be as hurt as ours ? or maybe more.

Day with(out) You

My father is the most i love. If allowed to be exchanged, I want to swap my whole life to make him live again. But my dad would also say the same thing to God. He always sacrificed everything for me, my life.

Back then, I loved him only through this heart, from now on i'll love through all this life. Every breath, every tear, every smile, every praying and dream which will be come true, i dedicate them for him, instead of the day, that may not be real with me since he had passed.

"I want to die "
Sometimes i really want to do that.

But sometimes i also try to understand, that by my death, my father would never return. But when I'm alive, my father will live on, through the blood flowing in my body, through his praying that would make my dreams come true, through the strength that gives laugh and happiness to the whole of my family.